Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
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[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Beware…..
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here