My warrants are pretty outstanding.
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“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper