I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.