[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
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H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.