‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
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A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My purse is deeper than some people.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.