You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
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there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I don’t think my car can fly
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this