Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Just had my nails done!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
accurate
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*