Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
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How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
scared to check what name she chose
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*