When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
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Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next