me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.