when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
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[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
was Jim off killing horses or…
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.