I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
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I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it