Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
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I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
The first one, obviously
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.