{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
You Might Also Like
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me trying to “trust the process”
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.