If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
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*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
love pickles so much i put myself in one
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
A drum solo but on your face.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.