Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
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Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble