Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.