It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.