Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
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My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
kids play hide and seek like
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.