My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
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2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.