Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
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*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Saint West, the patron of selfies
And bowling should be called pinball
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?