the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
You Might Also Like
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
This has made my week.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
All is fair in drunk and war.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!