There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
You Might Also Like
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”