My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
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you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
how much for the angry fruit?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I can fix him.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course