“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
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Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
crying
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.