To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
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English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
The happy life.. 😊