You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
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The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.