I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
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Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
A new level of troll.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”