I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
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I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”