Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
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hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂