All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
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my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
How to make infinite energy.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
A leaf blower, but for people.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
The best shot in the history of golf
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.