[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
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No laws when master is gone
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
How about daylight saves us for once
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
peak technology
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”