i dont have time for this
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Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.