How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
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Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne