My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
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Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms