*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
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aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?