How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
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Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Never let them know your next move 😂
The struggle is real.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow