I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
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My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well