Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
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Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Morning.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
wait.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.