When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
#polloftheday
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I love the honesty
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?