NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call