So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
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ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
choose your gary
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
me
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊