Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
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One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”