Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
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her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…