Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
You Might Also Like
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.