I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.