[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
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*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”