You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
You Might Also Like
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Monday Lisa
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.