Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
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I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
consequences, the bane of my existence
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.