The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
what?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.